tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS March 27, 2018 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
good night. the late show with stephen colbert is next. our next newscast is tomorrow morning at 4:30. >> good night. captioning sponsored by cbs >> president trump's lawyer sues stormy daniels for $20 million. >> stormy daniels is now suing president trump's personal attorney michael cohen for defamation. >> hi. are you currently suing somebody? >> and now you want to sue their lawyer, too? then call galino and farns. and take advantage of the buy one lawsuit get one lawsuit free deal. we have a ton of experience doing other lawyers including johnnycrine, abraham lincoln, thomas darrow. at cues finch. she haul. >> look it up, she's a lawyer. and alexander "hamilton."
in fact i'm suing farns now. and i'm suing galino. huh-oh, i better hire galino and farns. congratulations, we all won a case, hurray! >> call today. where our motto, is if it can walk and breathe, it's sueable! diswhrmpleghts. > >> announcer: it's "the latesho! stephen welcomes samantha bee, leslie odom, jr. and tom segura featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
>> stephen: please, have a seat! such lovely people. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) donald trump loves to trash talk people, but, strangely, he has never said one bad thing about vladimir putin. in fact, last week, trump called putin to congratulate him on winning a shady election in which he was the only real candidate, despite the fact that his advisors gave him notes in all-capital letters stating "do not congratulate," come on guys, if you want him to read a note, put it on something he pays attention to, like a cheeseburger or ivanka. ( laughter ) they just replaced the sign that said do not date.
( laughter ) he pays attention. it's got a happy ending! ( laughter ) so, up till now, he's been a huge fan of putin. well, yesterday, all that... stayed the same. but the united states did expel 60 russians over a u.k. poison attack. 60. normally, for trump to expel that many people, they have to be in his cabinet. ( laughter ) ( applause ) we love the cabinet! it's not their fault. all these russians were identified as intelligence agents, and their expulsion has led to the closure of the russian consulate in seattle. there was a bunch of russian spies in seattle? how hard would it be to identify them? "am from seattle. i love nirvanka!
and their song 'you smell like a teenager.'" ( laughter ) that's my seattle impression. ( laughter ) there's been no official response yet from russia, but their embassy asked on twitter: "what u.s. consulate general would you close in russia, if it was up to you to decide? vladivostok, ekaterinburg, or st. petersburg." and like all russian votes, the winner was vladimir putin. congratulations. damn it! damn it! ( applause ) there's more news on the stormy daniels front. and the rest of her. ( laughter ) the president has a brilliant, new defense. he's telling people that stormy daniels isn't his type. ( laughter ) what? she's a buxom blonde. she couldn't be more his type if she was a filet o' fish wrapped in a hundred ruble bill.
( applause ) and what kind of defense is that? "i would never cheat on my wife... with her! but i like that one over there." "oh, that's ivanka, do not date. okay, guys. do not, ever. i would absolutely never ." trump's been largely silent about the affair, but, yesterday, we got a statement from white house deputy press secretary and toddler who wants to play with your keys, raj shah, who told reporters "the president doesn't believe any of the claims ms. daniels made in the interview last night were accurate." wait, what do you mean he "doesn't believe"? that's a weird way to respond because he's the claim he doesn't believe. that's like saying "i didn't have sex with her...that i know
of." but, evidently, the scandal is starting to affect trump's reputation in washington. >> people are referring to him here in washington behind his back by a new nickname. he's famous for giving nicknames-- he's now known as spanky, and, uh, that's not a good thing. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i think that's a wonderful thing. maybe the best news i've heard all day. ( laughter ) but, in all seriousness, we should show some respect -- it's president spanky. ( laughter ) and this thing is starting to
get ugly. and, admittedly, it started pretty unattractive. but last night on cnn, stormy's lawyer michael avenatti and trump's lawyer's lawyer, david schwartz went after each other
like two lawyers fighting over a tv camera. >> let's talk about michael cohen, what kind of man this is? this is a legal genius. completely false. the guy doesn't even know the law. he's a thug. >> right, right. >> your friend is a thug. >> well, thank you. >> he's a thug. >> that's a million dollars. >> no, that's 3 million. >> a million dollars. >> thug. thug. >> a million dollars. >> thug. thug. >> you know what? you're a thug. >> thug, thug, thug. he's a thug. >> by the way-- >> he's a thug. >> stephen: gentleman, please, you're both thugs.
( laughter ) i guess they're just following the legal precedent as established in the landmark case "shut up v. no, you shut up." ( laughter ) i can't believe how happy anderson cooper looked there. ( laughter ) in contrast, could jeffrey toobin look any more awkward sitting between these guys? well, we here at "the late show" have acquired exclusive audio of jeffrey's internal monologue.
>> no gal vonnic skin response? >> oh, god. when will this be over? i want to go home. why am i even here? i'm an author for god's sake. now both sides of my face are covered in spittle and it smells like garlic and brut cologne.ñrd damn you, anderson cooper.ñr damn you to hell.çóxdñi >> stephen: it will be over soon, jeffrey. it will be over soon. ( applause ) >> stephen: but at least trump has a lawyer in the stormy daniels case, which is more than he can say for the russia investigation. last week, trump's lead attorney resigned -- and, for a minute, it looked like trump was going to replace him with husband and wife lawyer team, victoria toensing and her husband, joseph digenova, seen here playing the evil foster parents who want to send beethoven to the pound.
but then they said they couldn't do it because of conflicts of interest. and yesterday, trump was rejected by two more prominent attorneys, tom buchanan and dan webb, who both rejected an offer to join president trump's legal team, citing business conflicts. "oh, i'd love to be your lawyer, donald, but i've got conflicts! turns out, i'm already scheduled to ride a mechanical bull made of cheese graters then squat in a bowl of gin. and i'd rather do that." ( laughter ) ( applause ) mechanical bull fans. ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) yeah, yeah. i was in the mime rodeo for a while. ( laughter )
now this part's weird. some people are speculating that robert mueller may have told trump that mueller had concerns about trump's own rights. and that "diligent prosecutors, when they see a defendant doing something profoundly dangerous to their self-interest, including hiring lawyers who have conflicts, will raise it with the defendant and suggest they rethink it." if this is true, then clearly the best lawyer trump has against robert mueller is robert mueller. ( laughter ) i think just for everyone's sake, mueller should argue both sides. "your honor, the president has clearly committed a flagrant act of treason." "this is nonsense, your honor. mr. trump is a patriot and public servant." "i object!" "overruled! i'm the judge now, too!" ( laughter ) ( applause ) "i said, good day!" ( cheering ) ( piano riff )
( laughter ) i rarely break a sweat up here. ( laughter ) meanwhile -- i want to squeegee me off after this. meanwhile, on the international front, there's speculation about a visit to beijing by north korean leader kim jong un and -- get this -- he's arriving on a mystery train. ( laughter ) a mystery train! it's like "murder on the orient express," and i am already regretting using the word "orient." my apologies. sources say north korea has a mysterious green train that for years has been used for north korean leaders to make secret trips. it's the perfect way to throw people off your trail. "where could that mystery train be going? could it be the track? ( laughter ) this is easily the most detectable transport for a leader since kaiser wilhelm's enigma zeppelin!
( laughter ) ( applause ) now, little is known about this mystery train-- it's a bit of a... train. but we do know that it's been in use for decades, and that kim jong-un's father, kim jong-il, even had it decked out for lavish parties, bouts of heavy drinking, and karaoke. sounds fun, until you're trapped in the dining car with a murderous madman singing "crazy train." ( laughter ) ♪ aeee, aeee no ozzy fans? ( laughter ) of course, for security all of the train carriages are bulletproof, but the additional weight means the train can reach a maximum speed of just 37 miles per hour. so while you can't shoot it, you can beat it in a bike race. ( laughter ) the "new york times" called it bulletproof, slow and full of wine. also the title of sylvester stallone's comeback movie. ( laughter ) we've got a great show for you
tonight. sam bee is here. but when we return, is john bolton going to kill us all? stick around. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ♪ the man in the black hat... ♪ ...they all steer clear of him. ♪ these fellas have been out here for a long time. ♪ whooo-ahhh! you're all excited for flowers but you haven't yet sowed the seeds. ♪ hey allergy muddlers: are you one sneeze away from being voted out of the carpool? try zyrtec® zyrtec® starts working hard at hour one and works twice as hard when you take it again the next day.
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the things we do every single day that puts ourselves in harm's way, and to have a partner that is so skilled at what they do is indispensable, and i couldn't ask for a better partner. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: jon batiste and "stay human," everybody! give it up for the band, whoo! ( cheers and applause ) jon, my friend -- >> jon: yeah! >> stephen: -- you're a person, i'm a person, we like people. >> jon: yes, that's right. >> stephen: and we leak people who help people. >> jon: that's right. that's why tonight i'm very excited tonight because i have a huge announcement about one of my favorite charities, donorschoose.org. it's a website where teachers across america create projects and list supplies their students need, like paperçó pencils, and books.
( applause ) even furniture. then good people like you donate to the project of your choice. every penny goes directly to those students needs. except today when the website was down. ( laughter ) no one could donate to any of the projects on donorschoose.org because i am thrilled to announce that ripple, creator of the virtual currency xrp-- look it up-- has funded all 35,000 classroom projects on donorschoose.org. it's the largest donation in donors choose history: $29 million, which in xrp virtual currency, i have no idea. one? a billion? it's wonderful. just don't explain block chain to me. thank you, ripple.
( cheers and applause ) wonderful, absolutely wonderful. >> jon: yeah, beautiful. >> stephen: absolutely beautiful, yes. hopefully, your act of generosity will send waves of inspiration over the pool of human kindness. i don't know the word for that. splush? and if you want to help, go to donorschoose.org and donate. i guarantee there will be plenty of projects to choose from, starting tomorrow. meanwhile, folks -- ( cheers and applause ) yeah, sure! >> jon: that's worth a clap. >> stephen: a double clap. folks, last week was the scariest of the trump presidency. to put that into perspective, that's like being the drunkest real housewife, because nothing trump has done has been more alarming than his appointment of new national security adviser, and mustache who grew a man, john bolton. ( booing ) >> stephen: lot of bolton fans
here tonight. bolton was one of the neo-cons who got us into iraq, who also "wants to bomb iran and north korea." it's all explained in his top secret plan "operation i'm an old man and i'm taking you all with me." ( laughter ) now, this is a second chance for bolton who was already passed over for a job in trump's administration reportedly because trump was turned off by his bristly, full mustache." makes sense. you want a nice, smooth upper lip on the guy you're hiring to kiss your ass. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) but we shouldn't be surprised he got the job because bolton is a commentator for fox news. trump also hired tv friends like the mooch, heather nauert, and jay sekulow, from fox. and he got commerce secretary wilbur ross from "the walking dead."
( laughter ) great season. fantastic season. and trump is thinking of hiring more people from the tv, including pete hegseth, a co-host of "fox & friends weekend," and trump has approached fox news hosts tucker carlson, kimberly guilfoyle and laura ingraham... about joining his communications team. ( audience reacts ) trump does so much hiring off of fox news, chances are his next press secretary is going to be a self-lubricating catheter. ( laughter ) ( applause ) we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: and we're back. thanks, jon. now, normally, you'd see commercials now, but, instead, we're trying something that we call "more show", presented by the nest video doorbell. ( doorbell ring ) who makes nest? google? google's paying for this right now. "that's a lot of money."
( laughter ) tonight on more show, does your house have a door? then the better business bureau is warning about "scammers impersonating workers from the water, electric or gas company who may call or show up at your door threatening to cut off services unless you pay immediately." yeah. dangerous. that's why when anyone rings my doorbell, i just throw hot coffee in their face. ( laughter ) apologies to my neighbor karen, the lemon bars were delicious. ( laughter ) i hope the doctors release you soon. ( laughter ) they're also warning about "door-to-door contractors who are unlicensed, uninsured, and unqualified." and "salespeople who will try to sell meat... and lie about the quality of the products," raff laugh well, that's the perfect school -- "i need a believable cover-- i know: door to door meat salesman!" ( laughter ) so, be on the lookout for-- hold on. someone's at my door back home. hello? >> oh, hi! i'm a contractor. you need any work done? >> stephen: what's your name?
>> rick contractor... man. >> stephen: okay. that checks out. what services are you offering? >> i can put some ventilation holes in your foundation. paint your windows. they're transparent! people can see right in. cash only. >> stephen: nah, i'm good, rick. >> how about investing in this bag of meat? you can get in on the ground floor... because i found it on the ground. >> stephen: i'm starting to think you're a scammer, rick. i'm calling the police! >> cheese it! the cops! >> stephen: got to get up pretty early-- hello? >> what seems to be the problem, sir? >> stephen: thank god you're here, officer! there's a scammer in the neighborhood! >> oh, then i better do police things! can i go inside your house? >> stephen: yes, it's open! >> sweet! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: well, that's it for more show brought to you by the nest video doorbell. we'll be right back with samantha bee. ( doorbell ) hold on, i got another one.
special in puerto rico. ♪ ♪ >> i have a song. i have a song, yeah. ♪ voting is important ♪ do your civic d duty guise gud gals ♪ ♪ that means you and you and you and you ♪ ♪ put your hands in the air ♪ let's vote okay, guys, that's fine. fine. ♪ ♪ please welcome samantha bee! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
>> you know what i love? the clip that you just showed was directed by tyler hall who used to work here. >> stephen: tyler is fantastic. please say hi. >> hi, tyler. >> stephen: how have you been? i'm very well, thank you. >> stephen: i understand you went to the march for our lives in washington, d.c. >> yes. ( cheers and applause ) i'm so glad we went. we have a refurbished bus that we ride. >> stephen: i thought for a minute you said you had a reefer bus. stole it from willie nelson. you have a refurbished herman cain campaign bus? >> yes. we wanted to fully support. i wasn't doing anything other than just being there. >> stephen: that's very important, being there. >> we had art supplies out.
>> stephen: coloring time. glitter glue, markers if people wanted to change their signs or use one of ours and had phone chargers because you can't connect with teens unless you have phone chargers. >> stephen: then you're the pide piper, you can make them do anything at that point. >> correct. >> stephen: it gives me hope because people my age have just screwed the pooch so badly. ( laughter ) and you go, oh, we're not the last humans! >> yes, exactly! >> stephen: there is another, you know, new gang coming along who have seen our mistakes and will improve. >> it's nice to see teen agers and young people not doing the things we were probably doing when we were teenagers. >> stephen: 15 or 16 what was sam bee doing? >> braces tangled at a school dance or -- >> stephen: you were making out with someone at a school dance? >> stephen, i was stealing cars when i was 15 years old. >> stephen: come on! i was taken out of society.
>> stephen: you were boosting cars? >> i was a delinquent. ( laughter ) >> stephen: wait a second, you actually stole a car? >> correct. >> stephen: what kind? what was your favorite car to steel? >> we stole several cars! aaahhh! >> stephen: you stole the keys or would you hot wire them? >> we -- i had a boyfriend at the time and we were a little bit of a bonnie and clyde situation. >> stephen: was he is bad influence? >> he was then i became the bad influence. it didn't last long. i'm ultimately a catholic school girl. i love the gold star. so it was a stage. i'm not recommending it. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i thought i was a troubled kid but i never engaged in grand larceny ( laughter ) >> i'm not really proud of it, but -- >> stephen: you seem a little proud of it. >> well, it's an interesting fact about me. >> stephen: do your children know you stole cars? >> they do and they would never. they are so straight laced, it's
wonderful. >> stephen: i'm sure you said the same thing to your parents, i would never steal a car! >> they're so straight laced, it's lovely. they don't approve offing in i do. ( laughter ) >> stephen: they're not, like, mom don't be so mean to the president. >> oh, my gosh, if you come home and have a beer or a tiny -- they're, like, oh, boy, are you an alcoholic? is that what this is? i heard about this? school. i do not like this. hmm mmm! they are very judgmental. >> stephen: they're going to save us all. >> they are! >> stephen: what are we, 400 days into the trump presidency? it's a marathon, not a sprint. >> no. >> stephen: if this is a marathon, where are you in it? are you cramping, are your nipples bleeding? where are you in the marathon? >> definitely, definitely. i have left the marathon, stephen. i took a detour. i maybe went a third of the way through and now i'm at the chirping chicken having a kabob.
( laughter ) i gave up. >> stephen: no! i'm pretending and then i'm going to come to the end of the race. i'm wrapped in all the blankets like i finished. >> stephen: the foil and everything. >> i'm shivering. >> stephen: i'm hitting the wall. i'm at mile 20 now and i'm pooping my pants and will deal with it later. i hear that's a thing. >> people just let it -- >> stephen: they do. bless them for being so brave. ( laughter ) >> stephen: trump team expands and contracts, you know. they lose some bad eggs and bring on some scrambled eggs. >> yes, they do! >> stephen: john bolton is the latest edition to the team. >> yes, he's -- >> stephen: what's your -- do you have any -- how do you feel -- >> he seems terrifying to me. to me, the mustache is possibly the only thing that will save us. >> stephen: what do you mean? well, you know,ñiñmi his -- >> stephen: trump doesn't like the mustache, yeah.
>> i feel like if we ensure he has a nice hot cup of chunky soup every day and get a little -- you know what i mean? ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: like curry, something that's going to stink. >> like a nice minestrone or alphabet soup with a letter hanging off, we'll be fine. >> stephen: that's nice. nice. or we could send him care packages, something from blue apron, maybe. >> perfect. >> stephen: i love it when i see people go on the show and you took the special down to puerto rico. >> we did. >> stephen: when did you do this? >> mid february. we took so much of the staff. >> stephen: just decided february to go to puerto rico. >> coincidence. >> stephen: totally altruistic. you know what? i care about people in the tropics right now. >> i prefer places where there's a double rainbow, like, every
day. whatever. ( laughter ) yeah, so we -- because we -- it really resonated with us that our response to the hurricane is so disaster strouse and continues to be disastrous. so we kept pitching stories about what if we followed up on this. i thought why don't we do the special, it's a beautiful place in february, and we went on the road and i'm really proud of it. the special hours tomorrow night at 10:00. it's a full hour. we're getting a baseline for puerto rico. ates very joyful special. it was a very special experience, i would say. >> stephen: what are some of the conditions? i understand there are still parts of puerto rico that don't have power or running water. >> yes, we met so many people who still don't have power. it's so interesting because you can go into a town that would appear -- you know, outback steakhouse and walgreen's are in business.
but if you go up the hill in a mountainous area, people in their homes don't have power. it's opinion credible to think about how you have to reorder your life. >> stephen: how do they do any basic things? >> one thing we did was went to a laundry party. >> stephen: a laundry -- yes, in a town in the mountains, a laundry company sponsors a tour bus and they put washers and dryers and drive into a parking lot and people bring their laundry and it's puerto rico so they have a deejay and people getting haircuts and having beer and people bring their quarterrers, do their laundry and go back home. >> stephen: i would like to do my laundry at a laundry party. >> well, every laundry day is a party in my house. ( laughter ) but people have had to adjust themselves in ways that are insane. >> stephen: well, i look forward to the special. >> thank you very much. >> stephen: wonderful thing for you to go do. >> well, don't -- no.
it was my pleasure to go. they gave me more than i gave them, believe me. >> stephen: while you were down there, did you steal a car? >> i stole all the cars. of course, i hijacked cars. i stole your car earlier. >> stephen: you can have it, you deserve it. >> thank you very much. >> stephen: sam. always. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: "full frontal's great american puerto rico special" airs tomorrow on tbs. samantha bee, everybody! we'll be right back with leslie odom, jr. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ♪ ♪ hello? hello! ♪ hello? hello. hello? hello. ♪ hello, i got your package. you can just leave it, thanks.
you can't judge sugar looking at the cane, you can't judge a woman looking at her man. you can't judge a daughter by looking at the mother. you can't judge a book by looking at the cover. taking one look. try to read me like a book but i leave 'em all shook 'cuz you can't judge a book by its cover. you can't judge a book by looking at the cover [x2] ♪ join t-mobile and the whole family can stay connected with new iphones. which is great... ...unless your parents thought you were studying. aren't exams this week? somebody's busted. so join t-mobile, buy an iphone 8, get an iphone 8 on us.
aaron burr from "hamilton." please welcome back to the show, leslie odom jr.! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: good to see ya! i'm wearing the author's turtleneck. >> stephen: you do. you're here for a book you've got and you're dressing the part now. >> thank you. >> stephen: you've jacked up a bit. you look a little bigger than the last time i saw you. >> oh, yeah. >> stephen: they painted that suit on you. >> yeah. >> stephen: why are you so much bigger? >> well, i put on, like, 30 pounds when my wife -- that sympathy weight thing. >> stephen: because you just had the baby. what's your baby's name? >> lucille. >> stephen: there is lucille
right there. that's wonderful. >> i've tried my best to turn -- you know, to turn the flab into muscle. >> stephen: it looks good. thank you, brother. >> stephen: thank you. sorry. i don't mean to be too familiar. >> oh, no. and the book came out today. so when the book -- my publisher told me when the book was released you get the author's turtlenecks. >> stephen: oh, officially. we also got you a pipe to go with it. >> oh. ( cheers and applause ) we can get you something. >> no, go on. go on. >> stephen: the last time you were here, you showed a little video of you and your wife singing. she also has a beautiful singing voice. >> yes, she does. >> stephen: do you sing to little lucy every night? do you sing lullabies or is it
just. ♪ nationwide is on your side ( laughter ) >> no, i don't really sing to lucy that much. i don't love singing, you know, when i'm not being made paid. ( laughter ) but nicollette sings to her all the time. >> stephen: yeah? that's one of my favorite. my wife has my favorite voice in the world so when i can walk by lucy's room and hear nicollette singing to her, that's a special treat. >> stephen: you were in "hamilton" and "rent." do you insist in only being in shows that change culture on broadway as we know it? i'd like to know so i can get ticket while they're still available. ( laughter ) >> yeah, i only do cultural
phenomenons. it's just they're 15 20r years apart. i'll let you know in 12 or so years. >> stephen: how much time was there for you between "rent" and "hamilton"? >> it was 17 when i did "rent" and a little older than that when i did "hamilton." five or six years older than that. they don't come around often, those big sort of landmark shows, they don't come around often. i've had the incredible fortune of my life, it's just been really the gift of my life to be a part of the two of them. if it never happens again, i will be a happy guy. i'm very lucky. >> stephen: well, i won't. yeah. >> stephen: i want to see you and more. what about -- you know, the book you've got here, the new book is called failing up. and it's about how to take risks, aim higher and never stop learning. now, wait a second. did you ever stop learning? were you ever tempted to give
up? because wh i was younger, i was sort of attempting to be a classical actor like yourself. at certain point i went, ah, i'm going to do comedy instead because i wasn't getting hired for the other stuff. was there ever a moment that said, i'm just going to stop is this. >> the central lesson in the book came from a mentor of mine stewart k. robinson, an acting coach, a life coach really in l.a. i met him before i turned 30. i was really tired of that rollercoaster. i wanted to get a check on thursdays. i wanted to know what the check was going to say. i wanted to be able to pay my rent and ban adult. >> stephen: get married, have kids. >> all that stuff. and i laid it all out for stewart at the marie callahan deers in new york over chicken pot pie. he heard me out and said we can talk about that, we talk about
career transitioning if that's what you would like to do but i would love to see you try before you quit. >> stephen: hadn't you already been a working actor? >> for a decade. but what he pointed out to me, i asked him to please go on, sir. and he said, well, eng what you're doing is you're sitting at home and waiting for the phone to ring. i think when the phone rings you show up and you're prepared and affable and sometimes that can get you a gig. but what tid you do today in the absence of a ringing phone? did you call anybody, write anything, read anything, practice, take a class, did you -- you know, i wasn't singing at all back then. do you know you can call every coffee shop in l.a. would love to have you singing their lunchtime -- you know, at the lunch hour. bring a band, go sing at a coffee shop. it made me proactive. it put me back in the driver's seat of my own life. >> stephen: you did those things? >> i did all those things and it changed my life.
i won't be sitting enactive on my couch ever again. >> stephen: you know, that's a hard lesson to learn. >> yeah. >> stephen: great to see you. thanks for being here. ( cheers and applause ) "failing up" by leslie odom, jr. is on sale now. read it! back with tom segura, stick around! ( cheers and applause ) i like your... hair. i like yours too. can i have some? it's not cool to ask that. thanks, captain obvious. online dating isn't always rewarding.
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back! ( cheers and applause ) my next guest is a stand-up comedian who has three specials on netflix. three! please welcome, tom segura. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: thanks for being here. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: as i said before you've got three specials on netflix. >> yeah.
>> stephen: which is the perfect number to have. >> please, netflix, don't give me another one. ( laughter ) >> stephen: but you've made it, three specials on netflix. you must feel it because you struggled for years. >> it's exciting. >> stephen: how long have you been at this, you're 38 you said? >> yeah, i have been at this 16 years. >> stephen: there haveton to be points before this where you said i'm going to make it, this is the moment. >> there was a time a little over ten years ago where i thought it was my big break and i am so thankful that it didn't happen because it did happen, they just never showed it. i booked a commercial campaign, meaning -- >> stephen: national? a national string of commercials. >> stephen: that's a lot of money. >> with jared from subway. ( laughter ) ( audience reacts ) it's so much worse than you think it is. >> stephen: so you actually -- they exist. they're there.
somebody has them. >> stephen: they were never broadcast. >> they were never broadcast. >> stephen: what did you do? what was the thing? >> oh, here was the idea. >> stephen: this was before it was a bad thing. >> this was more than ten years ago. so he's at the peek of his thing, pulling up pants, he's selling subs, and they realize that they can only advertise healthy subs with jared, and they're, like, we need to be able to advertise unhealthy subs. ( laughter ) so we need to find someone that people would believe eats like a trash can. ( laughter ) so the idea was that jared would be, like, you should get the turkey sub! and i would be, like, what about the meatball sub?
that's good! and you would have both subs being consumed. >> stephen: did you have a name? >> oh, yes! here's the best part. subway prepared me. they said, you don't understand -- he was so famous at this point. >> stephen: big deal. jared for president and stuff like that. >> they are, like, you are going to be so well recognized because these are going to air all the time and there are going to be new ones all the time and we don't want you to be you, though. we want the campaign is that you're jared's brother. ( audience reacts ) so he's straight-laced jared and you're his deer lect brother jerome. >> stephen: jared and jerome. ( laughter ) >> and i might be going out on a limb here, but i told them, i said, i'm sorry to be insensitive, i kind of think jerome is a black guy's name. >> stephen: they were, like, really? >> stephen: does that strike you as a black guy's name, jon? >> jon: it could be any guy's
name. a an. >> why do you have to ruin this? >> jon: a black man's name is like tyrone. >> stephen: that's my middle name. >> jon: you could put it in a song, very black name. thank you. >> stephen: no, thank you. >> jon: i'm an expert! ( laughter ) >> well, at the time, i didn't know him. >> stephen: you thought jerome was a black name. >> i had a crazy notion jerome was a black guy's name. so i told the advertising executives that. they were, like, really? whoa. so they had a meeting about it and then the first day that we shot the commercials, they said, we talked about it and we think you're right. we think it is, so you have a new name, and it's jermaine. ( laughter ) >> jon: now, that's a black name! ( laughter )
ow! uh! ow! that is a black name! >> stephen: ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: he's an expert. so do go on. >> i basically did that. i go, that's ten thousand times blacker! they were, like, really? i said why don't you just name me tashaun, man? >> jon: black name for sure and athlete. >> so they're, like, you're jermaine. i was, like, all right. i shot the commercial, i was, like, great, whatever. so we kept shooting them. >> stephen: so much money. as soon as the first one airs, the contract triggers, right? and they're, like, also get ready for public appearances. i was, like, what? they're like you're going to travel the country with jared. >> stephen: in a sub bus.
in a sub bus. he's going to hold up his enormous pants and be, like, you can be like me, and then you're going to walk on stage with, like, mouthfuls of food, like -- ( laughter ) and they never aired it. >> stephen: delightful. i hope some of this makes it to air. thank you so much for being here. >> thanks for asking me. >> stephen: his new netflix special "disgraceful" is available now. tom segura, everybody! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ♪ [ upbeat music ]
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